Open letters and public calls to action seem to be in season. Here is one more call for a pause.

I don’t like writing long essays. I’ll stick to the point.

You are likely familiar with me and my startup. You may have used our product to make your life better. But let me introduce myself anyway. I am Pablo Escobar, founder, CEO and the Chief Ethics Officer of the Medellin Cartel. My company has perfected the production and distribution of cocaine across the world. And we do so in an ethical manner.

I am writing because I am concerned. I am concerned that cocaine poses an existential threat to humanity. We believe that there is a ten percent chance that cocaine will convert all of us into werewolves. Yet, we at Medellin produce cocaine because if we did not do it ethically, someone else might do it unethically.

Cocaine production is an involved process that takes millions of dollars and thousands of man hours. Establishing the supply chain, cornering markets and capturing the media is another multi million dollar effort. We are afraid that a fly-by-the-night operator will make werewolf cocaine and ruin the world.

Cocaine fueled werewolves are not the stuff of fantasy. I have seen, with my own eyes, our in-house philosopher describe them. Some of the world’s most distinguished scientists, having used our internal, more powerful product, were also concerned about the possibility of cocaine werewolf infestation. Most of them conceded that it is a low probability event. But low is not zero. That is an existential risk we at Medellin do not take lightly.

And then there is the problem of China. Illegal (and likely unethical) cocaine distillation in China threatens to destroy our economy and our Medellin way of life. And, of course, we know that China will not stop until they make werewolf cocaine and cocaine werewolves. We know because we have commissioned an internal investigation that says so.

Given these threats, I propose a worldwide moratorium on new cocaine producers. All the governments in the world will agree that no more cocaine will be produced until we figure out a solution to the problems of cocaine werewolves and illegal cocaine distillation by unauthorized parties.

While these issues are being resolved, the Medellin Cartel will, of course, promise to produce ethical cocaine only.

I always have your interests in my heart.

P. Escobar,
Medellin.

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